I am your disease

“I am your disease” is a poem I was given my first day in rehabilitation. The poem helped me understand how sick this disease is,”cunning, baffling, powerful!” I underestimated my disease for many years. The poem helped me realize that I needed to be proactive to keep my disease at bay. It taught me I had to work hard everyday to suppress the disgusting disease I let take control of my life. We can take control over this sick disease, we just have to be proactive, productive, and positive. I hung this poem up on my wall to remind me the work I need to do everyday to keep my sanity. Below is a copy of the poem. I hope this can help someone understand the severity of their addiction and take control!

I am your disease

 

I HATE meetings! I HATE Higher Power! I HATE anyone who has a program!

To all who come in contact with me, I wish you Death and I wish you Suffering.

Allow me to introduce myself I am the disease of Alcoholism and Drug Addiction.

Cunning, baffling, and powerful.

That’s me, I have killed Millions and I’m pleased.

I love to Catch you with the element of surprise

I love pretending I am your fiend and lover.

I have given you comfort, have I not?

Wasn’t I there when you where lonely?

When you wanted to die, didn’t you call me?

I was there

I love to make you cry.

Better yet, I love to make you so numb you can either hurt or cry

You can’t feel anything at all.

This is true glory. I will give you instant gratification and all I ask of you is long-term suffering. I have been there for you always.

When things were going wrong in your life, you invited me. You said you didn’t deserve these good things, and I was the only one who could agree with you. Together we were able to destroy all the good things in your life.

People don’t take us seriously. They take strokes seriously, heart attacks, even diabetes they take seriously. Fools that they are, they don’t know that without my help these things would not be possible.

I am such a hated disease. Yet I do not come uninvited. You choose to have me. So many have chosen me over reality and peace.

More than you hate me, I hate all of you who have a 12-step program. Your program, your meetings, your Higher Power, all weaken me, I can’t function in a manner in which I am accustomed to. Now I must lie here quietly. You don’t see me, but I’m growing.

Bigger than ever, when you only exist, I may live. When you live I only exist. But I am here and until we meet again, if we meet again, I wish you death and suffering!

 

– Anonymous

 

This disease wants us to fail and it wants us dead! We can gain control over our addictions. The big question is how bad do you want to change your life?

 

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-Strive to become the best version of yourself!

 

 

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Step Two

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“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to Sanity.”

Sanity- The ability to think and behave in a normal and rational manner ;sound mental health, reasonable and rational behavior.

Just like in step one the second step came with a packet of questions to answer. I grew up Catholic, but I haven’t been to church in years. When I would pray, before I got into recovery, I would say these foxhole prayers. Which I have learned now is NOT the way to pray.  I don’t subscribe to any particular religion, but I do believe in a higher power, who I choose to call GOD. Step two for me was about reconnecting with my high power. The way I was able to reconnect with my higher power was through prayer, meditation, and nature. When I pray every morning I say thank you to God and I pray over my family and friends. I also ask that I live under Gods will, not my will.

What if you do not believe in a Higher Power? They say anything can be your higher power. Have you ever heard of the door knob as your Higher Power? If that works for you run with it! Find what you believe in. Nature, astrology, meditation, prayer, science, you can research all these topics which may help you find your Higher Power. If you are struggling with the HP concept read Chapter 4 of the Big Book, We Agnostics.

This is a quote from chapter 4 of the Big Book.

“At first some of us tried to avoid the issue, hoping against hope we were not true alcoholics. But after a while we had to face the fact that we must find a spiritual basis of life-or else. Perhaps it is going to be that way with you. But cheer up, something like half of us thought we were atheists or agnostic. Our experience shows that you need not be disconcerted.”

There is hope for anyone to find a Higher Power, you have to be willing,  honest, and open-minded. You have to be willing to seek change, be honest with yourself, others, and your Higher Power. Also, keep an open mind!

Below are the  questions I had to answer from my step two packet. I hope these questions will help people better understand step 2 and increase their conscious contact with a Higher Power.

How can I see a Higher power working in my life?

What characteristics does my Higher Power NOT have?

What characteristics does my Higher Power have?

Whats the point of step 2?

Can I believe that other alcoholics/addicts have found peace of mind through this process?

What is it precisely and in detail that I have worshiped?

What exactly have I experiences?

Am I willing to consider that I am not at the core of everything and hence there may be a power greater than any one of us?

Was I insane or crazy to believe the lies the alcohol/drugs told me?

In what areas of my life do I need sanity?

How does my childhood understanding of God affect my life and recovery today?

What are my grievances against a Higher Power?

What is the evidence that a Higher Power is working in my life?

How can I incorporate a Higher Power of some form into my recovery?

I hope this helped. Have a blessed Day!